God, the world outside looks beautiful. And I am stuck inside being a lazy fucker. Something is very, very wrong. Bring on tomorrow, and a shiny new day!

i wanna be weightless, cuz that would be enough.

I haven't written in here for ages because I've been finding things really hard to do lately. I think it's probably to do with my drinking again, to which end I have decided to stop as of tonight. But I've been feeling so lathargic. I don't think I've smiled of my own accord in weeks. I had an awful fight with my boss last Wednesday and now I'm feeling paranoid and dreading going into work every day. It's no way to be living :[ I have been feeling tired and grumpy, and entirely disinterested in anything, from getting out of bed in the mornings to then moving from my room for any kind of activity at all.

I'm trying to change things, but when I already don't want to do anything... it's probably not going to go too well.

However, this weekend I am going to see Jim in Plymouth and we're going to be going to the Barbican for the Jazz and Blues Festival, and hopefully drive out to the beaches or up to the moors, which I am really looking forward to. I think this could be the beginning of me smiling again. And next weekend I start a new job, which I am very much looking forward to. It's from 11.30am to 8pm Tues, Weds, Thurs and Sat, which means I'll be getting all the hours I need to do in those four days, so anything extra I may do at The Wharf House will be extra money in my pocket. Though I am planning on keeping Sun and Mon to myself. Maybe I could plan my Fridays really carefully to include a bike ride, college work, some work at TWH, crafts and writing. I think it could be done. But let's see how the first couple of weeks go first...

i would say it was your best line... ever

Our trip to London was an epic fail. On our first day there my mom wasn't feeling too great, so we got to the hotel and had a little sleep to get some energy and then made our way on the train to the Thames Barrier. We walked 4.5 miles to the Cutty Sark and then got the train to London Bridge and walked over to Tower Bridge for some dinner, except she only had a slice of pizza and like 10 chips cuz of feeling so bad :[ We made our way back to the hotel (via a random journey due to the trains to St Helier being cancelled, annoying!) and went to bed early, then woke up for a leisurely stroll from Putney Bridge back to the Cutty Sark so that all of that part of things was done. Except we barely made it half way to Battersea Bridge before I started feeling REALLY dodgy in the stomach department. Had to pretend to buy something in a cafe so I could be ill in peace before rushing back across London to our hotel - after almost vomiting EVERYWHERE right outside Wimbledon station. Yum. So yes, we spent the afternoon/evening in the hotel again doing very little. Managed to make it to the pub for a lemonade at 8pm before going back to vom. Slept really badly and drove home yesterday morning in time to take Barns out for a walk as my dad had managed to get the bug too that night! Oops.

So we went to London to finish walking the Thames Path and managed to do about 7 miles or so of it. Not really what we were hoping for! I think we're going to try again but cycle it this time - atleast we could get it all done in one go then.

I am banned from going into work until Friday now so am getting all my stuff done at home. Sadly I have no motivation to do any of that, especially when I look out my window and see the first gorgeous evening in a long time. I can't believe it's still so light out! I should be out there enjoying myself, not stuck in here pretending to work and procrastinating by doing housework (atleast I'm getting something useful done whilst i procrastinate - shampooed my carpet earlier, it was revolting what came out of it).

Time to watch TV and crochet. Doing much work seems to be futile.

Love.

(P.S. Blink have announced ALL of their European tour dates today. For the UK we have... Glasgow, Aberdeen, Reading and Leeds. That is it. Like, seriously. Do they want fans? They could sell-out Wembley for a 3-day weekend. They could sell-out Cardiff, Manc, B'ham, S'hampton. This is ridiculous. RIOT!)

no more paddy's lament

This morning I was planning on having a nice calm time before work at 3. That is, until my boss collapsed and all of my colleagues had to rally around him to make sure he was alive, call the ambulance etc. Except as soon as he heard an ambulance was coming, he shot up and declared that he was fine. Make of that what you will ;] We are all in agreement with our conclusion though...

So he got told to go home, everyone's mad at him for some reason or another - either because he seems to have faked it, or because he always refuses to have time off (which we'd love to happen), or because he works himself to illness and then leaves us all fucked up. So now I have to sleep at work tonight. I was expecting to have about 3 or 4 hours before evening service to do my office work before I go away tomorrow, but I ended up having to help everyone with kitchen work which totally ate into that time. I was expecting to have Tasha in to work tonight but she really doesn't want to because she's so mad at David for many reasons and is having a shit time at home at the moment. I am sad that she's feeling like this, I really am, but if you say you're going to work then you need to leave those issues behind and do it, you can't just decide not to turn up. Particularly when we're already so understaffed. If she didn't come in it would have been just me and Stew working, and it being a Saturday night that won't work, plus I still have all my office stuff to do.

So now I'm left feeling really guilty for making Tasha come back in to work cuz I know it's not fair and she's feeling really bad, but I don't have another choice, no one can do it. And she had most of the day off even though she's meant to be in all day. So she's come back and I am SO greatful to her, I really am. I hope the things I had to say to encourage her and make her realise she's really needed didn't go too far, but there's little I can do in this situaiton. So I'm going to do office work, she'll be downstairs and then if I'm needed I'm here. Otherwise I'd have no one to help if I needed an extra pair of hands, and I wouldn't be able to get my office stuff done. Argh, it's all so hectic. I am sick of the drama!!

On another note, I think I've broken my pinkie toe, which is really not a good plan considering I am going to London to walk 30 miles of the Thames over the next 3 days. Oops. We'll set up a toe-watch and see how thing's go ;]

Time to chill out a bit whilst getting some work done. Woot.

Do you wanna run away together?

This week has not been grand to say the least, but I think things are improving. I've been suffering from such an absolute lack of motivation and it seems to have made everything worse. However, I have also had time to reflect on the things I've been doing over the last few weeks and think about where I've gone wrong and ways to improve, so all is not bad. Last night I went out to the Rene as it was their 7th birthday. FINALLY got to see Andy and Chrissy's new house which is SO LUSH! I need to move out again! Then we went to ze pub and had a great night, it was so good to see my friends again after months of too much working and hiding away in my room! Saw Guy out too and had a good chat with him so yeah I'm feeling good. When I got home I called my boss to ask about where my wages are which were promised to me yesterday. Apparently I'm now getting them on Tuesday, grr. But we had a chat for an hour and a half and I think we've sorted a lot of things out, or atleast feel like we're going to.
I had such a hangover this morning, which resulted in my 'enjoying' breakfast twice. Ew. Took Barns for a walk which really helped to clear my head and make me feel a bit better, I always like being outside and cold when I'm ill/hanging so that was really good. Went into work at 3pm feeling morally crappy though, just like I didn't wanna be there or do anything etc but things got better, my colleagues are so great they always make me feel good :] Talked to David about the work I've been doing over the last couple of days, he's pleased with how I'm planning to do things and has given me a few pointers in what to do and where to go with it all so now I have a proper plan and list of things to do I feel better about things, like there actually IS a point in my getting out of bed in the morning. So things have gotten better :]
I haven't been sleeping well either which has meant I've been getting up at 11am feeling like I still need 4 more hours sleep, and then having a nap in the afternoon/evening which probably ruined things for that night even more, but now I am shattered and it's not even midnight so I'm going to watch some TV, do some crocheting and then go to bed early in the hope of starting the weekend in a good way!

Rock on London on Sunday :D

(Oh yeah, got my Blink tickets, woot!! Thanks to my oh-so-amazing mum :D Love her!! Reading Festival together, can't wait haha)

Night people!

I'm obsessed with the mess...

Well I didn't get too far in the things I was going to do when I last wrote on here, but nevermind. I found a crochet pattern for a cardigan I liked and have been working on it for 3 days now but am only at row 2! Things keep going wrong! The first time I did it for 4 hours and then realise it wasn't wide enough, last night I realised it was all wonky and just nicht gut, and I am about to recommence work on it again. I WILL do this!!

Stayed at work last night and it sucked. I couldn't get to sleep and don't think my brain turned off at all, and then the guy there was on his own on a business trip and wanted to talk to me all the time. And I don't like talking. Especially not to people I will never talk to again - what's the point? So I was bored and annoyed and wanted to be in bed! Dammit. I wonder how much I'll get paid for that...

On Sunday 14th I planted 12 chilli seeds. They're called Prarie Fire chilli's and are quite hot, but they're windowsill ones so hopefully they'll be really easy to look after and will look pretty :D Yesterday before work I had 4 sprouting and I came back home today to see 6 of them out! Woot. Chilli's are really hard to grow as most of the seeds are duds so I'm really happy about that. Now I need to nurture them just right and we shall rock on with the spicy cooking!

Mmm speaking of spicy cooking, I'm off out for Thai tomorrow with my parents. Yum yum.

There is no fate, but what we make for ourselves

i am DOING THINGS! probably because I have spent hardly any time at work lately. Or atleast, I've been leaving early. But starting early. So it all works out. Anyway...

Today I finished at 1.30 so came home and tidied. Not that it looks much like it, but I did! My desk has been repaired after my accidentally destroying it the other night whilst looking for my ring, my bedroom has been dusted and tidied and had things that shouldn't be here removed, I have reorganised my cd racks (finally!) and hung two pictures. Now I don't know what to dooo!

Possibly going to walk down to the shop for some wine and snacks, do a couple pages of my last nz sketchbook, and MAYBE paint, but I don't know how time will go. I also want to start on a crocheted cardigan at some point so maybe that'll take place of the painting instead.

We'll see how things go :]

a huge fucking rant.

I have been having such a difficult time at work lately and it's bringing me down so much, I don't know how to make things better. David seems to have this personal vendetta against me where we just end up fighting with eachother all day. I went in yesterday because Stewart asked me to help out with lunch for Mothers Day, which was fine, but I also had bedrooms that needed cleaning and remaking incase we had anyone arrive asking for a room, otherwise we'd have had none ready. So I get in there and go upstairs to start on the rooms and he has a go at me saying he needs me to do the cutlery - a job I then find out is one he was asked to do. So I polish two trays of cutlery for him, after a good scream, and then go upstairs to do a couple of rooms. Give it 10 minutes and he comes storming up the stairs yelling at me with "I don't know where you are, I need you down in the kitchen, I've already asked you to be down there, you're on the rota for a restaurant shift" etc etc, literally shouted at me so rudely. So i stormed back down and decided to help Stew on hot partie as I had no intention what-so-ever of helping David again. PLUS when he came up he had Claire in the kitchen, and she was meant to be doing the bedrooms, so in effect we'd swapped for a bit and he wasn't even a person short in the kitchen!

So after a good shift of me helping Stew and us doing a REALLY good job, with all the kitchen staff - so proud of them! - I left without saying goodbye to David cuz I really didn't wanna have a chat with him. This morning I come in to find that after I'd gone he'd been talking to Aislinn and Stew about 'what to do with me' - his favorite question of anyone. Fucking drives me mad. What to do with me? Try leaving me the fuck alone to do my job? He was talking to them about giving me a disciplinary, to which Aislinn totally shot him down and pointed out the technicalities of how he actually had to give me a bunch of warnings first, and Stew told him how amazing I'd been on hot partie and how he couldn't have done it without me - I love the staff there! David, after that, changed the subject... on to how I'd been sacked from my old job for doing the same things as I'm doing here.

First off, he has no right to be discussing any of this with my peers - indeed, people I manage.
Secondly - I was sacked because they used me. I had no opportunity to respond to any disagreements they found with me and hadn't caused any difficulty within the job, they just didn't need me anymore. David should not speculate into what he does not know.

So I started off today annoyed, and even more so when I saw the jobs list he'd written for me - with a 'please' as an after thought in a different coloured pen, and a job of "phone the woman I have a meeting with at 3pm and change it to a different day" - I'm sorry, I didn't know I was his fucking secretary?!

Today went well though, he had the day off so I managed to enjoy the majority of it, especially as Andy came in and I haven't seen him in AGES!! We came back to my house to take Barney for a walk and it was yummy :D Good times!

And then I went back to work. David arrived at 6pm to take over, and I asked where our tips were from Mothers Day. He said that it had worked out at £15 each, BUT I wasn't going to get mine because I hadn't shared out the £50 tip I got sent in November.

Now, let's recap.

On that night in November, I served a table of 9 men dressed in tuxes, clearly out to have a good time. They were a fantastic table, so much fun! We had a great night, AND I helped with the rest of a very busy restaurant as well. They left us a £50 tip on the night, and a couple of days later they called up work asking for my last name. David gave it to them, after working out why they wanted it, and days after that came a cheque from them to me. TO ME. The envelope, presumably, was dressed to me, but it's difficult to know because that part magically got shredded before I could see it. Strangely though, the bit with their address on didn't. Weird that, huh? So I got this cheque for £50 in MY name, with a note and a photo written to ME. And of course David knows about it so tries to pressure me into sharing it with him. I didn't want to, never have done. He doesn't deserve it and is wrong to think he does. So tonight, because I still haven't shared it with him, he STOLE my £15.

Fuckign stole it.

The selfish little c-word. I really do hate that man.

I came home crying because I have just had enough of all of his fucking shit. He treats me like a dog and I am not having it, it's so unnacceptable. He has no right to steal my money and to talk to my staff about things they do not need to know. He is an appalling manager and I wouldn't recommend him to work in Mc Donalds ffs.

I was shaking with anger when I got home, but now I have seen sense, and I am going to approach this properly. I have written him an email saying that instead of having a chat about things, which would probably end in another argument, I'd like to do it over email so I can consider my answers carefully and not make any mistakes. I'm going to apply for two more jobs, one for two days a week and one for a couple of nights a week so that I have back-ups. And I am going to write down all of the things he does, just incase it's needed one day.

I kind of hope it is.

I've been there before and I deserve a little more

Wow!! Today has been HECTIC.

First off I got asked to arrive early, so I did. And then I had nothing to do for an hour whilst I waited for the top two rooms to be emptied of guests, after which I cleaned and re-made them for the next guests with Claire. And then another hour of waiting around for room 2 to finish being BUILT so we could clean that and make the beds and put in all the added extras we needed. But we had lunch before working on that ;] and THEN we had to wait about 2 hours to do the same to room one. However, we had guests that were meant to be arriving at 5pm to both room 1 and 2! Thankfully they all arrived in the right order, and late. So even though room 1 wasn't ready til 5.30pm we were okay!

To be fair I haven't exactly done a lot today, but what has been done in the building is incredible, everyone has worked so hard (with the exception of a grumpy few today!) to get this all done - when I arrived this morning I thought there was no way we would have anything done we needed, and I am so proud of the team that helped deliver it! Just wish it'd be recognised that I've also been waiting for years for this to happen, not just the volunteers that have been 'building' it. As David said to me earlier - it's their baby, they've been working on it for 7 years. I'm sorry, have I been sitting around here working for FUN for the last 6 years? No. I wanted to run the hotel. That's what I want my job to be. It's not like I haven't invested a lot in it, too!

And when he starts listening to other people, the better things will be. Or when he doesn't get his job when he applies for it. Oh lord I hope he doesn't. We'll be doomed. People management is NOT his strong point.

Oh well. Good times ahead, of what I wanted to be doing finally coming through. Except it means I'll be working 20 days straight. Bring on those few days off. Mmmm, drinking...

oh my life, things at work are just awful. and i am not exaggerating. we open tomorrow night (one day late, like that'll make a difference - DAVID YOU'VE HAD 6 FUCKING YEARS!!) and nothing is ready. I don't even wanna turn up at work tomorrow. Dickface just rang me up moaning about the internet which isn't working since I tried to put us wireless. He asked me why I bothered trying to do it. Er, hello?! Because it's all over our goddam advertising and we could be sued for false fucking advertising if we don't have it? cock fucker. I hate that man, I really do. Andy offered me a job tonight cheffing at the lion, I'm thinking I may have to take it at this rate. Same pay I'm on now. More fun. It's looking good. I fucking hate that man. I will not be spoken to how he treats me. Why should I be the one to blame? He has had MONTHS to sort all this fucking shit out and NOTHING is done on time and he has the audacity to fucking moan at me?

Fuck him. And fuck TWH.

I’m a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart

Yes indeed, I have been absolutely crap at writing in here lately. Sorry!! Things have been SO hectic getting everything ready for the bedroom opening on Thursday - yes that's right, Wednesday got changed to Thursday. And yet I was a little surprised. I clearly haven't worked at TWH long enough... - so I've had no time to do anything, and as soon as I get back from work all I wanna do is watch naff TV and sleep.

I went to Kent this weekend for Jim's aunt's 60th birthday party, which was so fun!! I met pretty much Jim's entire family, from his Uncle's children from his previous marriage and their partners and kids, to his cousins wifes father-in-law. Mental! Great time though and SERIOUSLY gorgeous food. Mmmm...

Hangover on Sunday followed by a nice lunch in Spoons on Monday and a sudden desire to live in Rochester. It's bloody gorgeous - I've always loved it but now I can kinda see myself living there, especially now that his family are growing up. I can't deal with young children! So I'm thinking Rochester or another historical town near London for when we move back. Yay. Sadly, I also need to find more than a quarter of a mil haha. Yeah good luck with that one.

Leaving Jim was pants as it always is :[ Especially knowing that I won't see him for 4 more weeks, when his brother, sister and nephew come up to Gloucester for the first time for 4 days. Exciting times! Need to think of lots of things to do to keep the kids amused...

Today at work sucked, my boss keeps calling me ratty - it's become his favorite activity, I think. I apparently have a ratty attitude. Fucks me right off. Today I was explaining why I hadn't done some work - because he'd spent the whole week on the comp and I couldn't get in the office - and he said I was being ratty and needed to sort my attitude out! Now, I wasn't even saying anything with attitude til he said that. But today was the last straw. I stormed out and told him to fuck off haha. Attitude didn't turn up til he fucking accused me of it! Jerk.

But tonight things are better and I've been getting more things ready for work, doing it from home this time. Tomorrow will be a VERY busy day as pretty much nothing is done and Chris didn't turn up for work today - very worried about him after last Wednesday, I REALLY hope he's okay <3 (just rang him, his phone is on again now so maybe good news!) - so EVERYTHING has to be finished off tomorrow. I am talking, sinks being put in, tiles replaced, fixtures and fittings attached to the walls, lamps to be bought, all rooms to be tidied etc. It's going to be a seriously long day.

Rock on!!

is someone getting the best of you?

Huh. Spent the night with Guy, except he was totally trashed off his face. Don't know how I feel now. Weird.

Think I need a lot of sleep...

And someone needs to vom somewhere other than all over the toilet/bath/bed :]

You will fly, and you will crawl; god knows, even angels fall

I have been feeling weird lately, kinda down but with absolutely no reason to. But it's weird because I wake up feeling so happy. The sunshine really is helping, a LOT, but I still feel like something's not quite right :/ Oh well!

Spent the day working, which was okay cuz I was mostly in the office with some a couple of tech guys sorting out our TV system - they were funny and good to chat to, and didn't mind my marilyn manson which is always good haha. I refuse to work in silence! Especially with my boss coming in and HUMMING all the time. Humming non-existant songs. That I can hear over a vacuum cleaner. Grr.

Anyway. I have spent the evening trying to finish off my blanket, except I have ran out of purple wool for the last 10 - 12 inches, so I'll work on that tomorrow. Also need to remember to send a wedding card to Aus!! Oops. Whilst I'm in the shops I may as well get black, grey and white wool for my next blanket - I need something to amuse me for the next two months!

For now I think I'm going to go and prep my wall for the painting I have planned, which will no doubt annoy my parents when they have to repaint when I move out, but nevermind :]

you gotta have faith

YES!!! FINALLY progress can be seen at work!! AND I have gotten a bunch more bookings for next weekend, which means David definately HAS to pull his finger out and get everything bought and ready - he no longer has a couple days after our opening to get things finished. He has a deadline. He has a responsibility to his guests to get it done. And I will make sure we get there!!

I dressed up a couple of our rooms tonight and took photos so they can finally go to press, so here is what has been achieved so far.. obviously not completely finished and we need to get art on the walls etc but it's something!!

Maisemore:

Llanthony:

EDIT:

I just had a thought that to show how fantastically far we have come these last couple of months, from finally deciding when to open to getting to how the rooms look today, I'd put up a couple of pictures of the building how it was last week, and has been for the past 5 years:

in the back seats of burned out cars...

This week has been full of little arguments and bitterness and disagreements between David and I, and frankly I am tired of it. He just doesn't understand that I want things done properly, and I want them done with time to fix it if it's wrong. But he won't let me have things done like that, so we argue, and he feels like I'm always getting at him. I feel like he's always making life difficult for me.

But I read some wise words of forgiveness and choosing your battles. So I am going to work on this. I am going to step back and have a think about the things that are annoying me, see if they really need to be voiced or 'discussed' and I'm going to take action appropriately, rather than just yell at him or make snide comments, which seems to have become my forte. I swear I never used to be like this. And so I don't think I have to be, do I? I can change, and I will try to :] Here's to a calmer, happier Liz..!

wow this week has been full of hard work! i'll get some pics up later hopefully of what we've managed to pull off, quite proud right now!

can't do a decent post as i need to get going and earn me some moolah, so i'll catch ya laters :D

I can build bridges from what you’ve burned

haha oh it's ridiculous how things can change, no? I always find that when you share something with someone else, the problem pretty much just goes away. And I don't mean it stops worrying me because a problem shared is a problem halved and all that bollocks. I mean properly, physically. It seems to go. I don't know what it is. But I am no longer completely terrified. I am in fact feeling GREAT.

Today I went to work a bit late as I REALLY needed a lie in, and I got lots done. My list kept on growing and growing throughout the day but by the time I left at 4 I had done a decent amount. I went to Guy's place to hang out for a bit and kicked his ass at wii bowling and then came home to do my college homework. WHICH I understood all very easily and got to grips with quite well. Though the questions at the end of the chapter seemed to be harder when I already knew the material that was in the chapter, which was weird. But oh well.

Apres that I did some more work ready to get my booking system online, helped Jim find his way to the phone shop in Marsh mills via some random bus timetable website, helped Ally to beef up her story from 650 words to 2500 - I hope. We'll see when I get it back for editing tomorrow! And now I am going to chill out and watch TV and make more granny squares for my blanket.

I am altogether really pleased with how things are going, I've gotten lots done and am looking forward to finishing more tomorrow, especially with all of my furniture arriving tomorrow afternoon which means I will probably working late getting it all in the right rooms etc. YAY! Photos will be up by the end of next week latest of my bestest achievement at work so far :D

And here is one of my blanket so far :] ...

i am really scared right now. something could be very very wrong and i am absolutely terrified that it is. i don't know what to do or who to tell or what. i find myself thinking about contacting way-old friends about it, people i haven't seen or really talked to in years. for some reason it seems easier than talking to people i see every day. i don't know what to do and i'm scared of the choices. i'm scared of what it means. i don't want it to be true :[

there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

HA. I have never heard someone properly gasp before this afternoon haha. Funny!

I have been planning a surprise trip to Plymouth to be with my blokey for like 6 weeks now, otherwise we wouldn't have seen eachother for 34 days - that coming after a 31 day time apart :[

So my mother wanted to come down to see her dad for my grandma's birthday and it all fit in nicely :D Jim has the weekend off so woot. I came down with J this morning, visited Pum for lunch and then we went into Plym for some shopping. I bought muchos clothes ready for India so that's all good, I figure I have the money now so I may as well start buying things whilst I can, plus it means I'm all set up for summer :]

So after shopping we drove to Jims and I stuck my head around his bedroom door to a big fat *GASP*. It made me giggle - mostly cuz I'd forgotten that I hadn't told him I was coming haha! Good times :D So we had a couple hours together today before he went to work and now I am whiling away the time until he gets back.

I have booked us a table at Steak and Omelette, where we have looked at the menu for years but decided we can't afford it. But I have finally given in and Jim is looking forward to it so yay :] That's at 8 tomorrow and before that at 4 we are going to see Avatar 3D, which I have to say is not something I wish to do at all, but like Jim says, it's his date. Fair enough! Perhaps I shall be pleasantly surprised, as with Star Trek (I actually need to watch that AGAIN I think, yum), so we shall see.. and after the film I am taking him for cocktails at The Treasury, which is where Joe and Amy's wedding was and it's rather posh lookin'. I am excited!! Can't wait for my date :D!!

But for now I must watch Skins and then sleep. Or do wii fit. But probably sleep. Yummy.

Wow time is going slow. I feel so crap. I have about 10 mins before I need to go out so I thought I'd write a post, but I feel so horrible I don't think I will. Colds suck.

the answer

This week has been hard. The shopping was fun and feeling like we're getting somewhere with things, but other than that it's just been arguments and feeling crap. David told me I had to stop getting ratty with him and sort my attitude out. Personally I think he needs to start listening to my opinion and accepting that sometimes I am right and have good ideas. He wants someone who will agree with what he says, and I am not that person. I think he has to let go of his preconcieved ideas about things and move on. Or accept that when he doesn't, yes, I am going to get in a grump.

Oh well. I made it up a little bit by going in last night to paint the corridor. Mostly because I knew that if I didn't do it, the volunteers certainly wouldn't and my stairwell and hall would be tormenting me forever more.

Today I went shopping with my mom and got in a bad mood because I couldn't find what I want and I seem to be swimming in money right now. Which makes it worse because I can FINALLY buy things and yet there is nothing I want. Yes, I know. I'm completely immature.

After shopping I was totally knackered and went to sleep. I think I have tonsillitis, though this morning I thought it was pneumonia, so who knows. I do like to dramatise things. But my throat is all closing up and my glands feel like they're crushing my wind pipe. 3.30am this morning was not fun, struggling to breathe. Nor was almost throwing up in the shower because of it. Ew. So yes, I slept, which resulted in my dad getting mad cuz I'd said I was going to take Barney out for a walk, but him and my mother went instead. Whilst they were gone I did the laundry and the dishes, tidied Barney's toys away, tidied the house and now I am making a roast dinner to make up for not going out. I hope it puts me back in their good books :[

I was meant to be working tonight but got out of it so I can spend some time relaxing and trying to feel better, but I think even if I feel better physically I certainly won't emotionally. I hate being sick, it really drags me down and makes me feel so depressed, stopping me wanting to do anything. So I'm going to try and spend tonight doing anything I possibly can to try and get over it. We'll see how it goes. Back to work tomorrow night...

can't read my poker face...

Y'day I managed to get out of going to the corp lunch with David by going shopping with Maggie instead, yay! We went fabric shopping and came back with loads of ideas and a 13m roll of fabric which we just LOVE and is perfect for Bedroom 1 so yay!! Then I had to go out with David again in the evening to do more shopping after we'd all discussed what we liked, and ohmygod he is a trial. He finds things he likes and then insists on trying to buy them, even though there's no where for them to go and they don't fit in anywhere, so I had to put my foot down. Mwahaha.

Last night I did 1.5 more rounds of my blanket - holy crap it is taking forever! It currently takes about 1 and a quarter hours to do one round so I am not getting very far but atleast it looks way bigger with every one hehe. I like it! And I shall put up a photo of it tonight for you :]

Now I am off to promote Race Week (come stay with us, I need your money!) and to sand down furniture... later guys!

xxxxx

all of your crying will do no good now

Hmm, well work today was creepy. Had to go carpet shopping with David, so I insisted on driving so I was atleast doing something that required focus whilst in the car with him. The guy at the carpet shop thought we were together and kept saying things like "this would be really good for your bedroom" and i was cringing a lot. And not always inwardly. In the end i put on a super grumpy face and was all "i dont care, it's not going in MY house." mature, i know :D

tomorrow he wants to take me to some business lunch at Cotswold 88, which I happen to know is owned by a totally psycho lady. It's another event for Cotswold Life magazine and he has already got a ticket with my name on it but didn't tell me. And after today I am so not sure I want to go. Hmm.

Oh well, back to the grindstone it is. I am going to do more of my blanket and think of ideas for artwork for the bedrooms (Yes i am having a day like you, Ally, and thinking of more things I could start rather than finishing what has been waiting for months...)

Good times.

pour my life into a paper cup

I have a list of things I want to get done tonight. It's going to take a long time to get it all done, and I doubt I will, but let's try...

- Send photos to Canal Trust website bloke - DONE
- Finalise Gold Cup advert - DONE
- Half round of blanket - DONE
- Finish NZ Sketchbook 1 - DONE
- Watch Larkrise (I am so cool!) - DONE
- Ballard section of Welcome Pack - GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT
- Defrag HD -DONE

It's not a long list, but they will all take some time. I'd better crack on!

i know, based on my track record, i may not seem like the safest bet...

Work got boring so I came home before David turns up and now I think I may be in trouble haha BUT he could have phoned me to ask me to come back or not have cancelled Aimee. I know I make trouble but seriously, don't cancel a saturday night girl til it's atleast that sat afternoon and you have not enough bookings!! So they were busy and he was stuck with 2 staff. These things happen. Like, to me. Two weeks ago!!! AND he over-flowed the sink AGAIN and this time Tasha landed flat on her back TWICE, instead of merely just getting my twisted knee. Sort it out, ffs.

I have walked the doggie twice, made my dinner, watched a large amount of crap TV and done 12 pages of my first NZ sketchbook.. only 14 more to go on this one and then one left, woot! Good times.

Tomorrow I go boat shopping, so I best get cracking on other things I wanna get done this weekend before I run out of time!

she's perfect, or so they say...

Gooooood morning!

My time with Jim went way too fast :[ We chilled out at home on Tuesday til our poker game at 7, which was really fun. I came second, woot! Came home with an extra tenner which is always nice. Jim won too so that's all good :] Wednesday we took Barns for a walk up Crickley Hill, which I think Jim enjoyed - it's a really good place to see all of the Shire from, all the way to Wales. Good times. Barney loved it too which is always good :] Then we had a nap cuz we are so lazy haha and went out for a curry with my delightful mother and my auntie Jude, who isn't actually a relation at all but may as well be <3 It was a really really good night. My curry was gorgeous, very impressed. It was the first time Jim and Jude had met properly, which I hadn't realised, cuz we're always out together when he's up here lol but I guess it's not the same when there's another 15 people sat at the table with you! So yes, that was a fab evening. Conversation went from the loss of limbs to heart attacks to sex to murder to sex education to depression to suicide to gambling addictions to alcoholism haha. Very light subjects to while away the time!!

Y'day we did us some shopping and bought pressies for his family as we are slacking in the birthday present department! And we went to the Flight Centre to try and sort out our flights.. the woman emailed us last night with a price that is about £400 more than we wanted to pay - oops! Damn the tax!! Oh well, guess I need to do some more work... Jim left last night and it made me really sad :[ I was sat in Tesco's carpark after feeling so empty and kinda lost for what to do :[

So I came home and made things!! I have done more of my crocheting, which got put on the back-burner this week. So that's still cracking on. I'm working for most of today but I'm thinking when I get home I'll do maybe 10 more pages of my NZ sketchbooks and really try and crack on with those, I've done half of the first one now so we're slowly getting there!! When that's done perhaps some painting?

I need to plan my writing soon as well as I need to get started on that, but I don't know where to begin! Something to ponder...

you never had a clue at all

Back to the grind stone for another week. Or not. Ha. Did my 12 hours yesterday and will be working this morning, but at 2.10pm my boyfriend arrives in Cheltenham!! Yay! First time I have seen him in 31 days :D Which means no work for me for a couple of days!! Unfortunately that means a nice pile-up of things to do upon my return on Friday, but it's all good. I'll have a couple more 10-hour days and then I am boat shopping on Sunday :D Good times, can't wait!

Bring on the afternoon!! (Oh yeah, I won't be around for a couple days.. hehe)

Ooh I just watched the bore (I work in the most perfect place for it, go me) and it was v. disappointing :[ 4 star my arse. Pants!! Oh well. Must remember to bring Jim down for it tomorrow. Yum. Bye!

it's such a tired game, will it ever stop?

Um, I think I've been struggling with things today. It's only really just become apparent though. I think. I'm unsure. At lunch I had a panic attack about work and how slow things were coming along and the fact that I really don't have long to deliver what I have promised to myself.

Things are so hard. I try not to be selfish but it inevitably happens. On Tuesday Jim arrives for 2 days - the first time I have seen him in a month, and a long time before I will see him again. And I know someone might need me, yet I find myself feeling like I might, in the next few days, refuse to do something when they need it done whilst they deal with a difficult situation. I don't know why I'm like this, I really don't. But I just feel like the world is so unfair to me sometimes. But give me 12 hours after a request like I'm expecting and I know I'll be willing to do it. Why do I always need this time? It seems I always have to have my grumpy moment before I acquiesce, and acquiesce I always do.

I am writing this by candle light. I have done all of my works in my bedroom by candle light over the past few evenings. I really do wonder why. It almost feels as if it's some kind of nod to the poor of the world, those who can't afford electricity, those who have to work through the night. But how pretentious is that? Seriously? I need to get over myself. I need to work out what's going on in my head. Because I really just don't know...

there's nothing you can't do

Hmm.

Rugby was well good, I enjoyed it. Had a carvery (which was apparently "really good, quality food" according to my host.. ha.) and they had a tab at the bar which is always nice :] Then we went down to our seats to watch the game... we were 6 rows back on the 22m line, and had a really good view, tho i prefer to be higher up normally...

Anyhoo, we played the Worcestor Warriors, who played REALLY badly. They got sent out onto the pitch at half time cuz they sucked lol. Not that Gloucester did much better.. however, we won 17 - 5, and they only got that 5 in the last 5 mins! Woot.

Our host, Karen, got to award the Man of The Match trophy, so we stayed around in the Cathedral View Bar for that.. Freddie Burns won, which we'd all agreed he should anyway, poor guy injured himself after getting us some good points :[

So yes, that was my day. Aislinn and Rhiannon agreed to work last night which was awesome, I totally owe them one <3 I had a really relaxed evening chilling out watching TV, making my blanket and sleeping. Yum. I have missed those times.

Today I feel like making things, and I'm off to take Barns for a walk in the forest again later, so I'd better crack on :]
xxx

so you’re standing on the edge, and it looks like you might fall

Oh. My. God.

What a fucking day.

Sarah = new girl = awesome. Very impressed. Only have to tell her something once and she'll do it perfectly. Tidies up after herself. Watches well so she doesn't have to be told everything. Very good indeed.

However. With the good comes the crap. I was given tickets to the rugby for tomorrow. I WAS originally supposed to be working all day, but as I got the tickets, obviously that changed. David was going to do FoH and Stew was going to chef. But Stre broke two vertebrae yesterday and won't be back for 4 days. So David has to chef. And who's going to do FoH? Hmm. That would be me.

You heard it. I'm going to the rugby SOBER. It is unheard of.

But this isn't really what has annoyed me. It's more the fact that no one is willing to help me out.

I have to go into work in the morning because David is in a meeting, so I need to open up. That would be fine on its own. Then I go to the rugby for 12.30 for lunch, kick off at 3pm. And then I go to work for the evening shift. What has annoyed the hell out of me is that NO ONE is willing to go into work for 2 or 3 hours in the evening to help out and serve before going to their parties, because, well.. everyone seems to have a party to go to tomorrow night. So instead of me being able to have my fun all day, I get to have no fun. And all of my fucking staff are being selfish themselves and not even giving up a couple of hours before they go out (because who the hell will be going out before 10pm anyway?). It wouldn't even delay their fun. They'd be fine. But no. I get to miss out entirely.

They're fucked if they ever need help off me, I tell ya.

All this working all day and having no time off is killing me, I swear. I've done 12 hours today. I must be back in 11. I'd love a break. I can't wait for Stew to be back properly. Bring it on.

I'll be back when I've calmed down :]

must... sleep...

cant... go... on...

ugh.

I got too much life running through my veins

My stomach stopped hurting. Now my arm hurts. I've had my Hep A and Tyhpoid vaccinations. She wanted to do it in two seperate ones, but I made sure she knew how much I'd be hating it if she did, so she managed to find one that was mixed. She was rather reluctant. Why wouldn't she offer that one in the first place? Surely it's easier. Perhaps it's more expensive. Oh well.

I was meant to be working tonight but have given my shift up to Tasha as I wanted to make sure I'd be okay to work all day tomorrow, what with my gammy knee/ twinged wrist / jab arm. So woot.

Have been finding out more info about my travels; cheaper flights, international driving licences etc. Now I need to find out laws about renting cars in Aus and USA. Thrilling times!!

Someone did something for me the other day which I needed for work, and it made them feel uncomfortable. This has confused me, to be honest. Why do people do things they don't feel comfortable doing? I certainly wouldn't if I really didn't have to, and I definately wouldn't have made him if he felt so bad about it. It's really concerned me. Why didn't he tell me how he felt instead of doing it? Hmm. Not good.

I have a few things I wish to get done tonight but I won't put it on here yet because, well... I'll probably fail in my tasks haha. Let's see...

letting love find a way...

Oh dear God, I am seriously scared right now haha. My stomach hurts. I think it's a mixture of mini eggs and fear. I hate vaccinations. I don't like the idea of something being put into my arm that shouldn't be there, it makes me feel dizzy to think about it. 2 hours to go. Help me.

all these pictures falling down around me...

Had a boring meeting this evening about the opening of the bedrooms with the council management people, or something like that. Anyway, a date has finally been agreed about the opening of the hotel side of the business, so things are looking good. Hopefully we can now get our arses properly in gear to get it sorted! I've started taking bookings today and things are looking good, got my booking system all set up, now I just need to train my staf... and one in particular, who isn't to great at that sort of thing! Exciting times.

Last night my dog bit me under the arm/shoulder area and bruised me quite badly. This morning I couldn't and still can't move my wrist properly, I can't hold my hand flat with the palm facing up, which means no waitressing for me for a while. I suspect the injury is related to the shoulder one, probably a damaged nerve. I hope it won't be like this for too long, I need the tips :[


I just tried to pay my mom rent and she told me how much I've paid so far haha. Wow I owe her a lot!! Though she also said she's saving it all up to give back to me when I go travelling, or she's going to buy us a week or so in a really nice beach hut or something in Goa, or a place similar. Woot. I don't know if I should accept or not.. I'd like to but I feel bad! Ah well... beach... mmmm....

apathetic

it astonishes me sometimes how quickly i give up on things. this week i have pretty much drank every day, i've done very little in the creative world except my blanket, i have gone to bed late and woken up late, i have not written my blog every day.

fail.

right now i could pretend i was leaving to do some soul searching or serious thinking about something. but really, im going to finish my wine, watch tv and crochet.

epic fail.

I’m just a stupid fuck, with brilliant luck

I feel like I haven't left work since Friday afternoon. I did my shift there, then came home to sleep before going back to volunteer from 10.30 - 4 on sat to paint the walls in the stairwell, returned at 6pm for the evening shift, left at 12 after the most hectic fuckign evening ever. nothing was prepped, i was the only person out front, we were atleast one staff member down which, because of the lack of prep, was ridiculous, and it was just damn annoying. david spent his saturday morning and late afternoon CLEANING the fucking place when what needed to be done was COOKING. ffs, cleaning can be done on a quite night, not when i have a full restaurant and no fucking staff!!! ugh.

okay, vented.

except this morning i turned up at 10.30 to do 3 trays of cutlery and make pretty much everything that we have on the arsing menu. but i couldn't, because i had customers. so despite not having too many to normally be rushed, i was. there was too much to be made and no one to help in the kitchen and do KP. so yes, left at 5.45 tonight.

so i have spent about 3 hours of my awake life at home and trying to relax since 4pm on friday. which is not somethign i like to do. i enjoy my at-home time, doing fuck all and relaxing. it's what makes my day. so now i am exhausted, i did my kneee in last night due to slipping on the floor after two flooded sinks, and everthing aches from not stopping.

im sorry this is such a shitty, moany post, but i am not feeling much like anything else right now... though i did just get two rounds of my blanket done, WHICH is taking forever as it gets bigger, but now its actually big enough to do something wiht, woot!!

also i have a girl coming in to see about a job tomororow, PLEASE LET HER BE GOOD!!!

oh jim left the casino with £215 last night after going in with £50, woot! well done my love :] xxxxx

my head speaks a language I don't understand

I actually hate being busy. I can't cope with always having something hanging over me that's been organised. Like yesterday, I had work in the day and was expecting Aimee to come in at 4 to take over as I was the only person in the building at that point. David was out in a meeting til 4.30, when I really needed to be gone by. But Aimee was running late, and texted David, not me, so I didn't know. So I had to stay at work til 4.30 when David got back, and then rush home to shower and eat and get ready to leave for college at 5.30. I hate being rushed. It sucks. So when I got home at 9.30 it felt like I'd been going non-stop all day, just because I was forced to rush between the two parts.

And today I decided to go shopping for the afternoon, and be in work at 4.30. This would have been okay if I hadn't needed to go into work to pick up some money. And because I was there, David managed to find a job that just HAD to be done at that exact moment. Which meant I was late getting into town and then had to rush to shower and eat and get ready for work in time for 4.30. So now I feel like I've been rushed again.

Now, tomorrow morning I have been volunteered to paint the bedrooms at work. I have no idea how long this is going to take, but after doing that I have to work in the evening, from about 5 or 6. And for once tomorrow night we are busy. So this means I am going to be worrying all day that I'll only have an hour or so to shower and eat again ready for work in the evening. Also, we don't know if Stewart can come in in the day to cook, because he broke his hand a couple days ago and said Saturday would be when he's back, but now his phone's off so no one knows if he will or not. And if he's not, I'll get dragged into cold partie/waitressing in the day, scattered between painting bouts.

I very much dislike having a full day. I need my time at home to relax, not to be worrying about the next thing. Bleh.

This has been a really shit post but it's annoying me lol. I'm shattered now so going to watch me some Neighbours and Gordon Ramsay and do me muh blanket so I can FINALLY have my down time :]

you're to blame for all the life that you're losing

Ugh well today has not been too bad in itself, but I am not feeling totally grand. This morning I had a meeting with a woman about booking systems which turned into her talking to me about all aspects of hotel life as if i don't have a degree/haven't worked in hotels and restaurants for years/decided that morning to open a hotel rather than having been thinking about it for years. So that was annoying, but kind of helpful too, she did come up with some good points.

I spent the afternoon sleeping and occasionally being jumped on by a small furry animal :] then went into work for another evening with David, which again wasn't too bad. I really need to stop snapping at him and then we can actually have a good nights work lol.

My cold is still sucking, but the rest I got all afternoon seems to have helped. Sadly I can't do the same tomorrow as I have to be in work all day and then I have 3 hours of college in the evening, so I'm sure I'll be taking most of Friday to relax and recover again but we'll see how things pan out. Hopefully tomorrow won't be too hard and I won't feel too ill.

I am volunteering at work on Saturday morning to get the bedrooms painted n stuff so that should be good, i like the sound of "final coat". It's about bloody time!!

what she say?

Ugh. My nose is so sore it's not even funny. I am going to be like Rudolf by tomorrow. Hawt.

I have gotten most of the things I wanted to get done done, I only have 1.5 more rounds of my blanket to go so I shall try and get those done now :]

My chef decided to break his hand last night so I turned up to work today to be told that David would be cheffing for the next however long, which I can't say entirely thrilled me. I spend enough time with that man as it is and we don't get on too well for long periods of time lol. Surprisingly tonight was good though, we didn't argue once!! I enjoyed it. We shall have to wait and see how long it lasts though! As long as things keep on progressing with the bedrooms then I suspect we may be able to stay like this, I do like progress.

Other than that, I have nothing more to say. I am tired so I'm gonna relax a while and get an early night before my meeting tomorrow.

OH yes there is one more thing. Next week I'm going to be stabbed with scary needles and infected with diseases. Someone come hold my hand :[ Needles are mean.

here is my new disposition

Man I am exhausted. I went swimming tonight, swam 450m in total which isn't that much, but then I don't do any activity that uses my upper arms normally so they are feeling all weak now lol. Definately something I need to do more often!

I think I am going to have a busy day tomorrow so I'll put down here what I want to get done and we shall see how it goes! It won't be so hard as long as I properly crack down. So...

Five pages of my NZ sketchbook - DONE
Go to docs appt - DONE
Remember to ask about vaccinations and vitamins for India - DONE
Phone Dark Barn for meeting, and then possibly go to that meeting - DONE
Finish writing up recipes for work - DONE
Find info on India, destinations etc., join forums - DONE
Two rounds of blanket

And then work from 6pm. What an exciting day I have ahead of me! I guess I'd better get off to sleep so I can be up before 10 to crack on!

be transparent for a while

Well as last week is finished, lets see what I got done...

I learned to crochet (woot) and am doing rather well on my blanket so that's all good.

Sadly this new hobby has meant I've done no painting but I shall see if I can work on that a bit more this week.

Went to college but have no homework yet so woot nothing to do on that side of things :]

I havent done any writing but have thought of a few ideas for things.

Have done no NZ sketchbook work as of yet.

SO basically an epic fail on last weeks activities! Looks like there's more to be done this week then :D Not such a bad thing.

And for now I must get on with my work, how exciting. Today actually turned out quite good, I have sorted out meetings with hoteliers about their booking systems, visited one, washed my car and hoovered, so go me. Now I shall work some more!

miss you less, see you more, i'd love to know you better

I am struggling to decide whether to go into work today or not. Ideally i'd like not to, but I really need to do atleast 25 hours this week, and the way things are looking I'm not likely to get that in at all. So I should, I guess. This doesn't feel like a good day, I don't have the energy to do anything :[ We'll see how things go.

Ugh. This morning is reminding me why I should not drink. I feel so dirty inside, it's horrible. What's fun about it? Maybe out with people where it's more entertaining but not at home. Ew. I feel like I need to get out and do lots of exercise to make up for it. And it's definately something that made me feel depressed. Not good.

But anyway. Wow. I can't believe how quickly all that snow vanished! Freaky. Now we're going to flood, woot. I reckon another day or two before it gets to Gloucester, though I haven't heard of floods anywhere else yet so I don't know. I don't really see why we would flood... yes it's a lot of water getting to the river at once, but the rivers have been so low because all their water has been held up in the snow that surely it's just replacing what had been lost for two weeks? It's the same volume, so the rivers should just go back to normal, no? Ah well. We shall see...

So the snow has gone, the sky is blue, the sun is shining and the birds are singing!! It seems very random, it's such a change from last week (which I loved) and now things are just... wet. Which I don't love so much, but it's still looking beautiful out there. I think I'll take Barney out to the Forest for a wander this afternoon, it would help us both.

Crocheting is getting there, going to attach my smaller squares today so we'll see how that goes!

Catch ya later :]

swiss army romance

Sleep with all the lights on.
You're not so happy.
You're not secure.
You're dying to look cute in your blue jeans,
but you're plastic just like everyone.
You're just like everyone.

And that face you paint
is pressed impressing most of us
as permanent
and I'd like to see you undone.

College night will draw the crowds.
Dorms unload & your heading out.
Here is your moment to shine.

Making up a history.
It's nothing from the life you lead
but man, will they buy all your lines.

Sleep with all the sheets off
bearing your mattress
bearing your soul.

And you're dying to look smooth with your tattoos
but you're searching just like everyone
could be anyone.

And the friends that you have are the best
impressing most of us
as permanent
and I'd like to see you undone.

Youth's the most unfaithful mistress.
Still we forge ahead to miss her.
Rushing our moment to shine.

Making up a history,
It's nothing from the life you lead
but man will they buy all your lines.

We're not twenty-one,
but the sooner we are,
the sooner the fun will begin,
so get out your fake eyelashes, and fake i.d's,
& real disasters ensue,

it's cool to take these chances.
It's cool to fake romances

& grow up fast.

you and i should get away for a while

Tonight I went out to the rene to see a bunch of friends that I haven't really seen since school. I had a good night, it's nice to see people who you don't see for ages. My friend Jase was there and I literally haven't seen him in about 6 years, yet things were exactly the same as before. Except apparently I am more feminine now. Lucky me :D I accidentally whalloped Guy in the bollocks too. I say accidentally. I was aiming for there, just not as hard :[ But I gave him 20p to make up for it! Haha im not sure he really appreciated that though.. oh well! They had a battle of the bands on and frankly they sucked. Well, the first one I saw did. The second I liked. But I left after that, didn't get to see Voss play :[ Which is fine cuz I don't even like him anymore haha. Mean.



I have spent all of today crocheting my blanket and this is what I have come up with so far:





I have tomorrow off til 6 so I shall be doing much more then!

every animal will find itself a home, and every man and woman will all just lose control

I am never again going to work without checking there is something to do there first!! BORING.

I had my first session of my Dreamweaver course tonight. It's slightly boring and very simple at the moment. Tasha and I had messed around with it a bit before so knew all they were telling us tonight, hopefully next week will be more interesting. I wonder if we'll get homework? Ooh I must remember to download all the programmes I can get for free whilst I'm a student there. Woot.

Tonight I once again got bored of the crocheting I was doing, as it mostly looked like knitting. Half double stitch = boring. So I decided to give something else a go, that looks much more like I've learned some skill haha. Except I have clearly learned nothing and had to ask Ally for some help, cuz she is frankly amazing. So on cam from Canada to England, I learned my granny square!! Thanks go to Ally for pointing me in the right direction (plus it's her fault I'm even venturing into the world of wool!). My mother showed me a blanket her grandmother had made in like 1890-something, or some time around there, and it's awesome. Now I have plans. Good plans. And, as usual, no time to complete them in. Though I think another day off work is in the cards. Yum.

Off to bed now to ease my aching back. I need to find something comfy to sit on. I'm dying here.

OH one more thing, someone please remind me to go to Tae Kwon-Do on Sunday please thanks.

Bye!!

too little, too late.

I decided to take the day off today to get things done at home. Things didn't work out quite like that. I have just finished watching 7 episodes of Without A Trace whilst working on the Afghan I decided to make (oh yeah, i spent my morning wool shopping...). I have so far made three squares. Thats right, three whole squares in 7 hours. This is going to be a long-ass project. Plus I currently only have two different colors of wool so I guess there's more shopping on the cards for me :] Oh well. Only 5 more purple and 6 more green to go with what I've got *rolls eyes*. I think it's bed time for me. Ooh I could finish my book. Good times. I do like my days in, no matter how geeky I may be <3

ecclesiastes 3

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

in the middle of a gun fight

Okay. So this morning (after my expensive visit to the dentist which involved 3 x-rays and an interesting insight into the world of my nerveless front tooth), I bought myself a crochet hook. And since my return from work and walking le puppy, I have been trying to bloody learn. But it's hard work. The instructions on Lion Brand are just darned confusing and so now I am on to youtube videos. So we shall see how this goes. I want to make some nice things for people but at this rate we shall see nothing but a naffed up ball of wool. Bring it on.

Note to self: Make damn doctors appointment, you lazy cow.

duck breasts in a red wine sauce. yum.

4 x 250g - 300g duck breasts, skin on
125ml beef stock
125ml red wine
1 tsp tomato puree
1 tsp lemon juice
15g butter
salt n pepper
5 sliced garlic cloves
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 tbsp chopped rosemary

make the marinade: in a bowl, mix the garlic, balsamic and rosemary. score the duck breasts on the skin side, rub in marinade and leave in fridge for 30 mins.

put the duck breasts, skin side down, with the marinade in a frying pan and cook for 5 - 7 mins. turn and cook for 5 more mins. remove from pan and keep warm.

spoon excess fat from frying pan. add the stock and wine and bring to a boil. cook over a high heat until reduced to a dark glaze, then add tomato puree and lemon juice.

remove from heat, whisk in the butter, letting it thicken the sauce as it melts. season.

slice the duck breasts, and arrange on warmed serving plates. spoon the sauce around the duck, sprinkle with chopped rosemary, munch.

i'd hate to say 'i told you so'...

My head is telling me to expect a storm. I can't wait. Pain-free, yum.

Well after checking out Ally's blog I am going to also do an assessment of my first week of 2010:

I have gone to bed before midnight on 5 out of 7 nights, which is no bad thing. Haven't been getting up much earlier, but I like to think I've been so deprived of sleep that I'm just making up for it ;]

I have broken my promise to not drink for January by enjoying a bottle of wine last night. However, it has made me more determined to not have any more, so we shall see how that goes.

I have managed to write a blog every day. Not that they've been very interesting, but it's done :]

I have been active in my photography and/or painting on all days. I'll try and find my camera in a mo and add some pictures to my blog...

I think that's all I'd really planned for last week. I think next week will be busier at work due to us actually being open, so I doubt I'll get much done, but we shall see. Tomorrow I need to go in early because I had to leave early this afternoon due to my absolute banging headache which made my eyes water and made me want to vomit from pure pain. Ouch. However I found a way of fixing said pain by... SKIING!! My brother picked me up from work with his ski boots and we went skiing down by the woods. He played my horse and pulled me all the way home (negotiating a style in ski's is... interesting...) and then we skied down the road for a couple runs. Never thought I'd be able to ski in my own village... definate ownage :D.

So yes. Things that I would like to do next week include:

More painting.
Learn to crochet (another desire I've got from Ally... damn you for making my life busier! :P x)
I start my Dreamweaver course on Thursday night now that the college is finally open (losers, can't even manage anything with a tiny bit of snow on the roads...) so I shall endeavour to do well on that and learn as much as I can.
Maybe write some stuff.
Complete at least one page a day in my NZ sketchbooks.

That's all for now... I need to rest my poor sick noggin...

hey there, it's good to see you again

It's been weird spending so much time with my family recently. We get on really well, I think. Obviously we all have our arguments, and I have been seriously grumpy over the last few days, presumably due to a lack of drink and sleep and getting ill. Hopefully I shall improve my attitude soon. I want to, but things just make me angry quickly at the moment :[ But anyway... we are all getting on rather well other than that, and it's kind of surprised me. I guess because we're all good with having our own private time and space, but when we get together we can do it well. And having Barney for the past 6 months has brought us together more because we now do more things together: taking him for walks; all going to the vet together on the rare occasion that he needs to; playing with him and generally hanging out. I like how it is. We talk a lot more, and it's not even about things that really mean anything, but just being able to laugh over something stupid is great. I like that my parents are my friends. Particularly as I don't seem to have enough time to see my other friends. Life is strange at the moment.

blown a hole right through my dream

I think I am getting a cold, which is really something I could do with avoiding. Despite the fact that I have enjoyed a few days off to play in the snow, I really do need to get back to work and start earning enough to pay for my travels again. £488.33 a month is not going to come from nowhere :[ If anyone wishes to donate, I'm willing to accept :] Shameless, I know. Sometimes we have to be.

I am currently working on three pieces of art work, which I shall put pictures up of shortly. They are obviously still works in progress though so don't wait too anxiously. Not that you would anyway, considering I can't paint :]

My nose hurts. I'd much rather it hurt because I'd done something to it, rather than a germ has decided it likes me for a host.

Anyone know where I can learn Hindi for free/cheap?

all i can taste is this moment

When I was in year 8 or 9, we were asked in Drama to bring in a song that meant something to us, or that reminded us of something. I had no idea what to bring in. I hadn't entirely decided on which music I really liked at that point, and certainly had none that instilled some kind of deja vu or stunning memory. I think I took in a Queen song. I don't remember which. I made up some story about singing it with friends at parties and it being the best thing ever lol. And yet, now, I have so many songs that mean so much to me - they remind me of a certain moment in my life, how I felt and the fun I had. They remind me of friends and family, thoughts and feelings. They make me feel sad or happy, and they take me back to a certain place that I may or may not ever want to go to again, but it's all a part of my past and these songs help to make me who I am.

I really need to finalise designs for my tattoo.

it's like the best dream to have, where everything is not so bad

Well you will no doubt be pleased to know that I went with the alcohol-free lager option. How exciting. Thinking of doing some painting but really don't have many good ideas at the moment... I have lots of little things running through my head but nothing I can really put onto canvas, it's all so disjointed. I'm thinking black right now. So I'll start on that and see how things go. I wonder if I actually have any canvasses around... hmm. I guess finding that out would be a good first step.

i took a walk for the very first time on the dark side of the dancefloor

I took today off work because I didnt exactly expect us to be busy, and frankly.. it was snowing. I also have tomorrow off because we're shut, woot. So I have basically spent the whole day taking the dog for walks in the snow and taking photos, and sitting around doing not an awful lot. But now I am absolutely exhausted, and want a drink. I don't know whether to tell myself it's fine and I can have some wine, or to just not. I mean, a couple of drinks on one night is fine, right? As long as I don't then do the same tomorrow. But who knows. Decisions, decisions. I'd hate to let myself down, that would suck. But then I don't know if it would really matter. Who knows.

I'll never forget you...

Today is my mothers birthday. I hope she liked her presents. She got to go home early cuz they closed her school, lucky moo. AND Phil Vickery took her home. Jealous much. I guess it made her day though lol. We do like us some Phil. And despite the fact that I think it's appaling that this country grinds to a halt every time it snows a cm (though we do now have about 4 or 5 inches, so i may begin to forgive them), I did decide it safest to leave my car at work and walk home today. I was met by my mum and Barney along the path to the woods, and had the best time walking through the woods home. Kids were sledding down Monkeyback hill and the dogs were all loving it too. Barns decided it best to escape the house once we'd managed to get him back in it, and I had to go prancing through the snow to find him again. Which is certainly not something I am going to begrudge him. I love snow. It makes me feel so at home. I yearn for it even when I'm surrounding by it, and I have to say that is a truly fantastic feeling. Thank you, Arctic.

I'm waiting, patiently...

Oh something I forgot.

When the hell is Flash Forward back on TV?

And also a blog I have been checking out daily recently is:

http://theknockoneffect.wordpress.com/

It's by a girl who goes to my old high school, she is 18 as of yesterday and she has cancer. She's running a company called The Knock On Effect where you can buy T Shirts and Jewellery and stuff and all the profits go to cancer charities. She's on TV a lot and she held an art auction at school in the summer to raise money for her charities. Thought I'd share it. Sadly I missed the art auction and didn't have a chance to design anything for it, but she seems such an incredible inspiration to all of those that are ill in any way, whether it's mentally or physically. Go her.

Please stay, don’t go, I've got you now, are you curious?

Well the New Year has been interesting in relation to some decisions I have made. Interesting to me, anyway. But I shall get to that shortly.

My birthday was thoroughly enjoyable, had a good night out with friends on the Saturday, chilled out at home with the family on my birthday, then went to Kent to see Jims family and celebrate with his brother. Had a deliciously snowy journey to Devon on the Wednesday where I was supposed to be celebrating again but Jim was too hungover so we stayed in and watched naff TV after a quick drink with Rach.

Xmas was a good one, again very relaxing with the family, Pum came up to visit for a few days and my aunt, uncle and couins visited for a bit to take Barney out. Who I broke on Christmas Day :[ oops. The poor boy slipped on snow :[.

New Years Eve I went down to Plymouth to be with Jim, we went to a friends party which was not quite what I was expecting - I thought there was going to be a lot of people there but it was only 7 people including us. However, I had a good time and got rather sozzled. Jim and I ended up in the casino (as usual) and I smashed a full glass of wine everywhere.

Which leads me to this year...

I have decided to stop drinking for all of January at least, and possibly longer. I am sick of making a tit out of myself when I go out, doing things I regret, and feeling so damn dirty the next day. Plus the weight I've put on is seriously not attractive, and I am sick of my teeth hurting. I know, I paint such a pretty picture. But it's something I really need to work on, so I will. Also I'm thinking it will improve my sleep pattern so I will hopefully start going to bed earlier and therefore getting up earlier, which leaves more time for things like exercise and work rather than sitting around finishing off my bottle of wine. I shall also endeavour to go swimming every Monday evening and hopefully more if I can find better times to. However I have already fallen down on this one - going out in minus 4 degrees with wet hair and wet skin is not my idea of fun for an evening. I guess I'll have to figure something else out to do.

I have to say it's interesting how much money I already have from doing this. Not wasting money on drink has already left me with a lot of cash I wouldn't have had otherwise, which is going straight in my travelling pot. I am desperate for money to go away, and need to save every penny I get. So really this can not be a bad thing at all, no? :] Good times.

I think I've written enough for today! My poor fingers won't be able to cope with all the typing (despite the fact that it seems to be all they're good for).

Later
x

(I'm hungry. I want chocolate. Damn this money saving lark.)