it's such a tired game, will it ever stop?

Um, I think I've been struggling with things today. It's only really just become apparent though. I think. I'm unsure. At lunch I had a panic attack about work and how slow things were coming along and the fact that I really don't have long to deliver what I have promised to myself.

Things are so hard. I try not to be selfish but it inevitably happens. On Tuesday Jim arrives for 2 days - the first time I have seen him in a month, and a long time before I will see him again. And I know someone might need me, yet I find myself feeling like I might, in the next few days, refuse to do something when they need it done whilst they deal with a difficult situation. I don't know why I'm like this, I really don't. But I just feel like the world is so unfair to me sometimes. But give me 12 hours after a request like I'm expecting and I know I'll be willing to do it. Why do I always need this time? It seems I always have to have my grumpy moment before I acquiesce, and acquiesce I always do.

I am writing this by candle light. I have done all of my works in my bedroom by candle light over the past few evenings. I really do wonder why. It almost feels as if it's some kind of nod to the poor of the world, those who can't afford electricity, those who have to work through the night. But how pretentious is that? Seriously? I need to get over myself. I need to work out what's going on in my head. Because I really just don't know...